Do you remember the expression “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”?
Our past influences our future more than we realise. It does so under the radar and so automatically that we don’t even realise it. We identify ourselves based upon the story of our past and we use that story to anticipate what will happen in the future and as a result, how to act now…
This is very apparent in relationships, if a guy or gal has hurt you in the past, then you will come to expect that in future relationships. This may be from a past relationship or most commonly a by-product of the relationships with those closest to you when growing up (ie. parents).
You may be hopeful that “this one will be different” and obviously not want them to hurt you again, but because you are expecting it to happen on a subconscious level, you will act in a way that attempt to prevent that.An example: As a little girl, your father was unavailable, cold and aloof, with only a few moments of warmth. When you wanted him, he wouldn’t come and if you nagged for him then he would get angry and push you away further.
This can translate to your future as attracting partner that are very attractive to you and that you desire to have around you but are emotionally unavailable. An because you expect this subconsciously, you do certain things in an attempt to prevent and change that, like trying to get him to open up (often hearing that you’re “pushing”) or by settling on your own principles so that you don’t push him away.
There’s that little annoying voice in the back of your head constantly telling you what will happen, reminding you what you really expect even if you want something different. It’s that voice that says “Things don’t work like that! This is how it really is” and breeds self-doubt as you try to change things for yourself.
How to Decomplicate Love
The problem with this is that, you take your past and you fashion a criteria or plan on what needs to happen to achieve what you want. eg. a better relationship. In the plan includes all the little insecurities that you expect but are trying to prevent, like the emotional unavailability. But by acting according to that plan and trying to prevent it, you are actually reinforcing the belief of it, because how you’re acting is following a set of rules that has long since created those same undesired results. So as long as you follow those rules, yep, you’ll get the exact same stuff.
So this starts with changing your criteria, by “breaking the rules” and as a result expecting something different. What if instead of using your undesired-in-the-future past to decide on what need to happen to get what you want, you created a new set of rules?
Ask yourself “What needs to happen for this to be a success?” and begin to questions the answers that come up. Are they easy to achieve? Do they have those undesired expectation built within them or do they expect something you do desire?
Too often, we create an overcomplicated plan to achieve something. What if instead your criteria to attract a better relationship was not to force him to open up. Or just give him everything he wants and nothing for yourself, but to just accept him and more importantly yourself as you both already are? What if you didn’t need to change anything and it was just something you could enjoy? What if there was nothing to fix? If that is the case, then what does the quality of that relationship now look like?